So long, 2017...

Wow. So, 2017… It’s been real, as we’d say in the 80s. Not necessarily real fun, but definitely real. So real it was decidedly unreal almost every day. Questioning authority is so blasé. Questioning reality is apparently where it’s at, here in the teens of the 21^st century.

But here we are, another milestone passed, and the future ahead as uncertain as it ever was, though, perhaps now we can be a little more honest with ourselves. Nothing is promised and anything can happen.

I feel this uncertainty acutely as I have been out of work for a month and have no idea once I finally find a job, what changes that will bring to my life. All I know is, a lot will change, and I’m more aware than ever that my experience of life is less about what happens and more about how I respond to it.

The last year, especially the last six months, has been life-changing and life-affirming for me in both extraordinary and subtle ways.

There were a couple events that I can point to that served to shift my perspective profoundly, but underlying those were dozens, if not hundreds of moments of connection, truth, beauty, and joy so powerful that I won’t even attempt a description. Words fail me. But not so completely that I cannot acknowledge or celebrate my befuddled wonder at these moments of both limitless expansion and acute focus. Expanding and contracting. In and out. Breath. Heartbeat. Life.

I’ve had so many experiences I wanted to capture in my journal or blog, but then another came… and another… until it became clear that capturing these thoughts was not nearly as important as being open to the next one.

I realized something bigger is happening here. The moments that moved me were not a story unto themselves, though they felt pretty important at the time. They were single frames in a film, bits of something larger and more meaningful that I need to be present for. What that is, I can’t say now. The story unfolds and until I can begin to see its edges, my attention must remain on being present for its unfurling.

I’ve surrendered the fear that I will lose these precious fragments. If they are truly powerful unto themselves, they will survive in my memory. Now is not the time to declare their individual worth and meaning. Some are merely sparks. Others will touch fire to the web being woven and these will light the way.

In the meantime, I continue to write my novel which, it is now clear to me, is going to be a trilogy. I’m roughly 83,000 words into it and I think I may be about a third of the way to where the first book will end. If that sounds like an overwhelming project, I can assure you, it is. But I’m loving every agonizing word of it.

I continue to have a somewhat estranged relationship with music, but I plan to dust off the cobwebs and play at least a few shows in the coming year. Stay tuned for updates on that.

Until then, I hope your transition to 2018 goes smoothly and the new year brings you all manner of precious and joyful manifestations of beauty. 

Wishing you a safe and blessed New Year!

The Most Amazing Two-and-a-half Minutes of My Life

I've been back from my trip to view the total solar eclipse for days now and I'm just starting to feel like I've processed the experience enough to write about it. I waffled back and forth about going into the range of totality for weeks, then once I decided to go I was indecisive about where to go. Driving 200+ miles with hordes of other people to see something that would only last a couple minutes invites a constant question in the back of your mind: Will it be worth the trip?

Ultimately, I decided to increase the chance that the trip would be worthwhile by choosing a destination that had an unusual attraction; the old "killing two birds with one stone" approach. I set off with my friend Terry sometime around 3:30am on Monday for Alliance, Nebraska, best known for Carhenge, a replica of Stonehenge made of automobiles. (Only in America, right?)

As we got into Nebraska in the wee hours of the morning, we ran into quite a bit of fog. As the sky began to lighten we found ourselves passing through a mercurial landscape that moved from dense fog to patches of shifting mist wafting across the land like specters. When the sun rose over the Sandhills, the fog began to break apart in roiling, fast-moving clouds above us, revealing patches of blue sky and rays of sunlight over the green hills dotted with sunflowers. Now, I'm a sucker for misty, bucolic landscapes and, as a night-owl, I rarely see the breaking dawn, so that in itself was special. But this was something more than a beautiful morning on the high plains. This section of the drive was so magical, the natural elements so expressive and seemingly enchanted, I was already convinced the trip was worthwhile.

We stopped to top off the gas tank in Bridgeport and I got to chat with a couple fellow Coloradans while I waited in a fairly substantial line for the restroom. This gas station was the first place we started to notice more people and cars than would have been normal for the area, but calling it "traffic" would be a huge overstatement. We didn't get into any traffic at all, unless you count the last quarter mile as folks slowed down to pick their parking field around Carhenge. We saw several properties asking $50 for parking, but found that the field directly north of Carhenge (perhaps still part of their property) was $30 so we pulled in there.

We parked on the crest of the hill and had a very short walk to a prime viewing spot overlooking the pastures to the east. I could hardly believe our good fortune. Other than a missed turn that took us out of town a couple miles before we realized our mistake, we arrived without incident with plenty of time to spare, found a close place to park, and claimed a great location to set up Terry's tripod so he could film the eclipse. This sort of effortlessness would usually lead me to feel like the other shoe was going to drop, but I was in such a relaxed-yet-expectant mood that it didn't even occur to me to question it. Of course, I'd also been up all night and that might have re-calibrated my stress meter a bit. 

A short cheer went up as the eclipse started, but that excitement faded pretty quickly as we waited for the real show to begin. I don't think the light changed significantly until it was at 75% or so. Everything was cast in a diffuse, golden light. It wasn't like darkness was falling, it was more like sunlight burning through coastal fog. We had been watching individual cumulus clouds march across the sky in a little herd for some time. Several passed across the sun, but they'd been moving fast. By the time it reached totality, the wind had picked up and the last few stragglers had moved on, leaving the sun unobstructed from our particular vantage point.

One of reasons I feel compelled to write of this experience is because of the surprising inability of cameras to capture what the human eye sees. Every video I've viewed, including the one Terry shot, doesn't even come close. They all show a white corona around a black moon and equally black sky. Some, like Terry's, show some glowing red spots (flares?). Still, they're nothing I'd describe as particularly awe-inspiring. The landscape looks very dark as well in most videos with the exception of this fantastic 360 degree film from NPR. But even it doesn't capture the eclipse itself accurately because if you're not zoomed in on it, it just looks like a full moon.

I wanted to experience totality because I wanted to see this wonder with the naked eye. Also, I might one day be writing about an eclipse in a future work of fiction and I wanted to truly understand first-hand what it was like so I could depict it correctly. I'm so glad I didn't assume that the event captured on film would be almost as good as being there.

That said, Terry's video did capture one true element that faithfully carried the essence of the experience. The sound.

People began to cheer and applaud right before the Bailey's Beads Effect and you can hear their shouts, screams, and exclamations shift from excitement to pure wonder as the corona suddenly burst out from around the moon. It's in that moment when everyone removes their glasses that the power of it hits you.

It was absolutely the most profoundly beautiful thing I've ever seen.

The sky glowed a gorgeous cobalt blue. The corona was a shimmering white and the moon itself was so black it looked like a portal had opened in the sky. At one point, the corona appeared to have three wings, one of which was smaller than the other two. Combined with the moon's circle, it looked like an upside down Star Trek insignia. The sun and moon usually seem fixed in the sky, but the glowing filament quality of the corona made the eclipse appear mobile, as if it were hovering.

I had binoculars on my lap, lens caps off, ready to use. I completely forgot they were there until it was over. I also forgot to pay particular attention to the stars that might have been visible. However, I did look around at the landscape and saw sunset in every direction (again, this NPR video captures that pretty accurately). I took a moment to absorb this unusual dusk and it's stunning beauty, searching for the best way to describe the way it felt. A line from the song I Dreamed of Rain came to mind: "...and peace spread over the land."

From the moment I first glimpsed the eclipse in its totality, I was overcome with emotion. My eyes teared up and the sensation that welled up in my chest felt like I might start sobbing at any moment. But it wasn't that tight feeling that usually accompanies great emotion. It was as if something within me was expanding out. I can't describe it in any other way than to say it felt like utter and complete joy.

I've heard people talk about looking on their child's face for the first time and feeling a profound sense of awe and wonder. It feels like you might just come apart, like you can't possibly hold all that love in, but somehow you expand to contain it. That's exactly what I felt in this moment.

I knew what I was looking at. I knew the science behind it. I didn't think the world was coming to an end. I expected to marvel at a fascinating celestial event and leave saying, "That was cool!" I didn't expect to feel so profoundly moved and changed by it. I can't even fathom what shifted. I didn't have some epiphany. I can't say I realized something that has changed the way I'll live my life. The trip itself was a great lesson for me, but that had little to do with the eclipse and was more about taking advantage of opportunities and pushing myself further out of my comfort zone to live life to the fullest. But something happened to me there and I'm not sure I'll ever truly understand it.

When totality ended, everyone cheered and applauded, only the excitement and giddy awe had been replaced with heartfelt gratitude. (You can hear all the audio nuances better on Terry's video than on the NPR film because we were at a distance from the center of the crowd where the most boisterous folks were.) There was a lot of laughter, too. I turned to Terry and we were both wiping tears from our faces and laughing about how strangely and unexpectedly emotional it was. We didn't talk about it in any detail immediately; it was just too overwhelming to discuss. My guess is that most people had to process it a bit before talking about it because there was so much to absorb.

We stay seated in our chairs until the entire eclipse ran its course. It almost seemed disrespectful to just pack up and leave while the moon still covered some section of the sun. When it was over, we strolled down the hill to explore the henge.

I had conversations with a handful of people before the eclipse and a few more afterwards. Everyone I encountered was friendly and in good spirits. I usually hate large gatherings of people because there's always bound to be someone acting like an obnoxious idiot in some manner or another. That was not the case here. Hell, even the porta-potties were nice (as far as those things go). And the first time I went down the hill to use them, I heard a group of guys playing Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline on a boombox and singing along at the top of their lungs. That was far more surreal than the couple of folks dressed as aliens or the guy in the kangaroo mask wearing mechanics coveralls and spark plug bandoliers across his chest. (I mean, that sort of stuff is expected at a place like Carhenge, right?)

I think most folks had the same idea we did about avoiding traffic. Rather than head out immediately, we had a nice lunch at a Mexican restaurant in town and started home later in the afternoon. That put us in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a stretch of two-lane highway when we left town, but we weren't in any hurry and the countryside was a pretty distraction from the fact that we were crawling along for miles.

My only regret is that we didn't stop on the way back to take a picture of the sunset. The sun was huge, glowing a deep orange against a purplish sky, its vivid beauty probably due to smoke from the wildfires out west. I've seen that stunning sort of sunset many times before. It wasn't unusual. But it would have been nice to capture that particular one just as a reminder of the extraordinary day.  

I imagine I'll still be processing this experience for some time. I may never totally understand the mystery of it and why it elicits so much indescribable joy. One thing I do know, though. I'm going to make a serious effort to catch the next one in 2024.

I think I've just become an Eclipse Chaser.

Photo by Terry Stinnette.

WHERE'S TRINITY?

As many of you may know, I've been on a hiatus from music for the last year to work on a novel that has been rattling around in my head for over 25 years. Like my music, my writing doesn't fit squarely in a genre. My best guess is this tale will be considered epic fantasy though I choose to call it a "historical re-imagining with supernatural elements." At this point, it appears the "book" will be a trilogy as it has grown considerably now that I'm in the thick of it. I guess that's what I get for letting this world expand in my mind for over half my life. For those of you who are curious, I'm posting the first chapter for a brief period of time. Click here to read it. And yes, there will be a pronunciation guide and a map when it's published. ;-)

Thoughts? Feedback? Questions? Feel free to email me by clicking here.

Happy Solstice 2015

Well, another year has come and gone. I find myself in a particularly reflective space this year. So many ups and downs have left me feeling at times both hopeful and despairing.

The sands of time shift, and some years it's just a gradual slide in one direction. 2015 was one of those years where it seemed the ground beneath me was shifting in multiple directions at the same time. This kind of year reminds you to not take things for granted, but it can also make you feel unsettled.

Nature has provided the strongest grounding for me this year. Walking regularly and experiencing the passing of the seasons at a daily pace has been healing and inspiring. In many ways, it's been a return to my childhood and to a powerful connection that I'd let slip away over the years. Reconnecting has been an enormous gift at a time when I've felt most adrift.

If your year has been equally challenging, I hope you've found a way to connect to your own inner wisdom and strength. With all the suffering, fear, conflict, and confusion in the world, it is even more important for us to take time to breathe and center ourselves in our truth. As the sun is "reborn" and begins its cycle anew (at least from the perspective of us Earthlings), may you experience a reset in your own life; a clean slate to move forward and make a fresh start for the coming year.

The "Elemental" Recording Diary: Demons, Dangers, and Doubts, Oh My!

Anyone who knows any kind of artist, particularly performing artists, has probably heard about some of the internal battles we fight, often on a daily basis. Sometimes I think we choose (or more appropriately are chosen by) our art in order to work through a plethora of psychological and emotional barriers in this lifetime. We express for the collective, we push boundaries, we blaze trails, and speak truths. And sometimes it feels like we're society's guinea pigs in the process. We color outside the lines and then wait to see if we'll be applauded or smacked down for it. Those who can't risk the thought of being judged either way keep within the lines and stay silent. I did that... for thirty-three years.

This drive to express opens us up to everything within and outside of ourselves that challenges what we're expressing or even our authority to express it. I won't go into all the ways that we churn ourselves into tangled masses of compromised humanity, but suffice it to say we're usually functioning in a complicated swirl of conflicting dichotomies. I want to be heard/seen... Oh God, please don't look at me... I'm not good enough... I'm better than THAT guy, why's he getting all the attention?... I have a gift and it's my purpose in life to share it... Who cares, anyway? You're just one of a multitude of people who think what they have to say is important and nobody wants to hear it... This is the greatest thing I've ever created... This is utter crap!... and on it goes.

In other words, artists are a little crazy. But then aren't we all? Some of us just recognize and admit to it. I've fought the fight, am fighting the fight, and will continue to fight all those little demons inside my head. I've done this long enough to know that once one is vanquished, another rises to take its place. That's life. You learn a lesson or heal some part of yourself and another opportunity for more learning/healing comes along. Nature abhors a vacuum.

That said, it's understandable that recording is fraught with lots of new demons, some old ones you just haven't seen in awhile, and loads of doubt. You have many decisions to make and many will take you down a different path. Each song is a blank canvas and every action a brush stroke or color that shapes the outcome of the final piece. There are the artistic decisions you make in the moments you're performing, too. Should I hold that note a little longer? Should I sing that phrase softer? Did I infuse enough emotion into that line?

Sure, you can record take after take trying to capture all the possibilities, but then you have an engineer who is either greatly annoyed or nodding off. You'll also have so many takes to listen to that you create a whole new hell for yourself later when you have to wade through them. I am guilty of this. I admit it. And I get "bark mark" quite easily (that mark on your forehead from having it pressed so hard against the tree that you can't see the forest). Being detail-oriented is a strength in moderation, but can be crippling if one focuses too closely. And baby, I can get microscopic on your ass!

Fortunately, Sean knows me well enough to know that I develop "bark mark" quite easily and need to be pulled back from the tree on occasion. He's patient, but he's also not afraid to step in and remind me when I'm taking things too seriously.

It's funny that even with our ability to comp takes so I don't need to do one solid, "perfect" performance, there's still this feeling of being on an Olympic high-dive board about to take the plunge every time that little red "record" light comes on. Performance anxiety at its worst because there's absolutely no reason to have it. As Sean so wisely reminded me, "you know that's all in your head, right?"

That said, you do need to be in the right head space. The question is, what is the right head space? It can be different for different songs or on different days. Do I just relax and pretend I'm not recording this? Do I focus hard on technique or achieving the right level of energy? Do I really put myself in the emotional space of the song?

Last week, I found myself singing to a piece of insulation in the ceiling that in the dim "mood lighting" in Sean's basement, looked like the head of a little squirrel. My mind was totally distracted by this imaginary critter -- how light and shadow transformed this material into something that wasn't really there, how it wouldn't look like that from any other angle, how I'm one of those people (to quote a line from Victoria Woodworth's "Cross Upon A Cord") who is always "seeing faces in the paint" -- and that last thought caused me to laugh out loud in the middle of the song.

It wasn't until I was headed home that night that I realized how different these recording sessions have been from my past sessions with "Crucible" and "Venus In Retrograde." Perhaps it's just experience or an example of how much I've changed over the last five years... probably a bit of both.

I still have my tendency to be a perfectionist and get "bark mark," but I also find it easier to step out of that space and laugh at myself. I don't take things as seriously. But I also discovered that I'm playing and singing A LOT easier than I did in the past. There's an effortlessness that I haven't felt since before my vocal surgery and that I've NEVER felt when recording. The best way to describe it is that I'm not trying to "do" anything, I'm just "being."

I hope this feeling of effortlessness continues throughout this project. There are plenty of elements that are anything but effortless, so having the performance element come easy is a blessing.

The "Elemental" Recording Diary: Session 1

In my last blog post, I explained why I've always done multitrack recording up until this point. Given the major budget restrictions on this CD (as of this date I've raised $2,000 of my $15,000 goal), I'm trying to move forward in the most efficient and inexpensive way possible.

I don't have a regular band these days as I'm generally performing solo, but I do play most Sundays with a band at Living Water Spiritual Community, and these guys are amazingly talented. It's my privilege to play with two of Denver's finest jazz musicians: Doug Roche (piano) and Don Grove (drums). Rounding out the band is bluesman Clarence Johnsen (bass). Combined with my folk/Americana, it's an interesting combination of genres and the cover tunes we play together range from jazz to rock and bluegrass to pop. And of course, we play many of my songs, including much of the new material I'm recording. I'm very fortunate to have these three signed on to play on "Elemental." There will be other folks lending their talents as well, but Doug, Don, and Clarence are the foundation of this effort.

In an attempt to save time and money, and to also try to capture more of the live vibe we get when we play together, I opted to try to record Doug, Don, and Clarence playing together rather than multitracking. Doug has an electric piano and a good sounding room, so we miced the drum kit and ran the piano and bass direct (meaning they weren't amplified so the only sounds the mics were picking up was the drum kit. They played to a scratch track of my vocal and guitar. Odds are I'll want to rerecord the piano tracks using Doug's beautiful Yamaha grand, but that can always be done at a later date.

Now, there is something that just needs to be stated up front because I'm sure later down the line I will hear folks wondering aloud why everything is taking so long. A lot of it should be self-explanatory if you think about it. If you record for four hours, it'll take at least four hours to listen to and evaluate that which you've recorded. And if you need to listen to several things multiple times to compare and contrast to make your final decision, it takes much longer.

However, there is another reason things can take a lot of time. Musicians have many challenges, not least of which is a pretty mundane, yet often thoroughly vexing necessity: scheduling. You've heard of herding cats? Sometimes scheduling five musicians for a rehearsal or recording session is equivalent to herding parakeets. In the case of our first recording session as a band, it wasn't quite the nightmarish activity I've experienced in the past, but it took some work. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I heard that Don, the drummer, had come down with a nasty virus two days before the session.

When the day rolled around, Don surprisingly felt up to the task and we gathered at Doug's house and set ourselves to the laborious task of setting everything up. Micing a drum kit takes a good deal of time, as does setting up all the recording gear, getting headphone mixes where everyone wants them, and troubleshooting various technical problems that pop up (and believe me, there is almost always some gremlin who rears his ugly little head). When recording outside the studio, it's always best to bring just about every gadget you own, because you'll wind up needing some cable, adapter, or widget that you never expected to need when a problem arises and you have to create a work-around. Recording musicians have to be creative on many levels. ;-)

There was also a lot of discussion to be had about what everyone should play on each song and when. I often have very strong ideas about songs or sections of songs. These are things that I just "hear" and have heard since I wrote the song. But there are a lot of abstract or vague descriptions I have about the vibe of the song and not any sort of specific instrumental direction (i.e., dark and sparse here, really driving there, something ethereal and light, etc.). And worse, I often have several different versions with different instrumentation playing in my head. I know from experience, that I can't create exactly what I'm hearing in my head, but if I can convey it well enough to the right musicians, if I can point them in the right direction, they will take off with it. When this happens, what they create is a glorious surprise that just happens to be what I had in mind... and then some.

What I loved about working with the guys in this live environment was that it wasn't just me, one musician, and the engineer there focusing on one instrument's part of the song. All of us had input and ideas about what each other was doing and that creativity tends to feed on itself. One person's playing influenced and informed another's playing. It became a group effort and it's exciting to be in the midst of that energy. The song becomes more of a true musical conversation.

The first session was about seven hours which included a dinner break to scarf the quintessential recording meal: pizza, of course. We managed to get through five songs (woohoo!), but that was a bit too much for Don and he had a relapse of his cold/flu bug for the next few days (sorry Don!). I haven't yet heard what we recorded, but my gut feeling is that we definitely captured some good stuff. There were some really beautiful moments that I remember marveling at in the moment they were played.

There were some hilarious moments, too, that unfortunately weren't recorded. It won't be nearly as funny in the retelling, but at one point late in the session, Don came in too early on a drum fill. You kind of had to be there, but it was a big, bombastic fill at an entirely inappropriate moment and we all were in stitches. I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. I was doubled over on the floor and Clarence kept saying, "you broke Trinity!" to Don. I honestly have not laughed that hard in over a year.   

As I'm finishing this up, I just got word from Sean that he's sending me files from that session to listen to so I'd better grab the headphones and get to it! Stay tuned...

Multitrack Recording 101

It's official. The recording of "Elemental" has begun. I'm nowhere near my funding goal, but I'm moving forward with the money I have and hoping I eventually gain enough support to finish it. (To become involved in the making of this CD visit www.fundly.com/trinitydemask and I will be eternally grateful!)

I realize there are a lot of folks out there who have no idea how the recording process works, so I'm going to blog about it to educate those who are curious and to capture the journey of this particular project.

While some bands still go into a studio to record together to capture their songs as they are played live, many (if not most) do what is called multitracking. To multitrack is to lay down one instrument at a time. If one records the instruments at the same time, each instrument needs to be miced and isolated (or relatively isolated) from the other instruments, otherwise the mics pick up the other instruments (we call this "bleed"). If there are any mistakes on one instrument, it's harder to fix them if they are picked up on the other mics. Also, it can be harder to EQ the instruments individually if there's too much bleed.

I've always multitracked because I've never had the budget to go into a pro studio where each instrument can be recorded in a separate sound-proof space. Also, in the past my musical partner Tom was playing more than one instrument and unfortunately, we never found a way to clone him. Thanks to the availability of home recording gear and lots of moving blankets to deaden the space (my "fort-building" skills from childhood came in handy) I've recorded at home, in the drummer's basement, and even in a Sunday school room in a church. If you have the know-how, the right equipment (or good make-shift equipment), persistence, creativity, discernment, resourcefulness, a boatload of patience, and a quiet space, you can make a professional-quality recording anywhere.

So, how does this work? Since each musician will be recording to something that is recorded and there won't be any cues, you typically want to record to a click track. This is a metronome track (or in my case, a really basic drum machine track because I can't play to a metronome). I choose the exact tempo for the song, which is often something I agonize over since it's going to be "set in stone," then I record myself singing and playing guitar to that click track. This recording is called a scratch track and it's really just a blueprint used to build the song.

The first "real" track I capture is the drum track (if there's going to be drums on the song) since it is the rhythmic foundation the rest of the song will be built on. The drummer records to the scratch track. Then I record the bass, then my rhythm guitar. At this point, I can record lead instruments (guitar, piano, cello, etc.) or my vocal tracks. When I record the vocals, I record to the drum, bass, and guitar tracks that have been laid down and the scratch track is tossed out (scratched - hence the name).

Musicians generally record multiple takes of a song and whichever track is deemed best is used. Tracks can also be comped (composited), which means that you can splice together the good pieces from multiple takes. For instance, if you record two takes and you flubbed a note or a strum was a little late on the first one, you can replace the section with the mistake using that section from the second take. Sometimes this can be tricky depending on the instrument and what it's doing at the time, but a good engineer who knows his software can make it happen pretty easily unless the sound quality is too different between the two takes (for instance, if the instrument was farther away from the mic on one take or the musician was playing it very differently and the sound quality of the takes doesn't match).

So, that said, I am multitracking "Elemental" as I have always done. Except when I'm not...

Yesterday, we (Sean Gill, my patient engineer/sounding board/reality-checker) took the studio on the road to Doug Roche's house to record drums, bass, and piano in a "live" environment. It was a first for me and definitely much more fun than recording one person at a time. More about that in my next posting. Stay tuned...

If anyone has any questions about the process, the songs, or anything related to this project please post it and I'll be happy to answer it for you in my next posting.