Saturday, December 30, 2017

So long, 2017...

Wow. So, 2017… It’s been real, as we’d say in the 80s. Not necessarily real fun, but definitely real. So real it was decidedly unreal almost every day. Questioning authority is so blasé. Questioning reality is apparently where it’s at, here in the teens of the 21st century.

But here we are, another milestone passed, and the future ahead as uncertain as it ever was, though, perhaps now we can be a little more honest with ourselves. Nothing is promised and anything can happen.

I feel this uncertainty acutely as I have been out of work for a month and have no idea once I finally find a job, what changes that will bring to my life. All I know is, a lot will change, and I’m more aware than ever that my experience of life is less about what happens and more about how I respond to it.

The last year, especially the last six months, has been life-changing and life-affirming for me in both extraordinary and subtle ways.

There were a couple events that I can point to that served to shift my perspective profoundly, but underlying those were dozens, if not hundreds of moments of connection, truth, beauty, and joy so powerful that I won’t even attempt a description. Words fail me. But not so completely that I cannot acknowledge or celebrate my befuddled wonder at these moments of both limitless expansion and acute focus. Expanding and contracting. In and out. Breath. Heartbeat. Life.

I’ve had so many experiences I wanted to capture in my journal or blog, but then another came… and another… until it became clear that capturing these thoughts was not nearly as important as being open to the next one.

I realized something bigger is happening here. The moments that moved me were not a story unto themselves, though they felt pretty important at the time. They were single frames in a film, bits of something larger and more meaningful that I need to be present for. What that is, I can’t say now. The story unfolds and until I can begin to see its edges, my attention must remain on being present for its unfurling.

I’ve surrendered the fear that I will lose these precious fragments. If they are truly powerful unto themselves, they will survive in my memory. Now is not the time to declare their individual worth and meaning. Some are merely sparks. Others will touch fire to the web being woven and these will light the way.

In the meantime, I continue to write my novel which, it is now clear to me, is going to be a trilogy. I’m roughly 83,000 words into it and I think I may be about a third of the way to where the first book will end. If that sounds like an overwhelming project, I can assure you, it is. But I’m loving every agonizing word of it.

I continue to have a somewhat estranged relationship with music, but I plan to dust off the cobwebs and play at least a few shows in the coming year. Stay tuned for updates on that.

Until then, I hope your transition to 2018 goes smoothly and the new year brings you all manner of precious and joyful manifestations of beauty. 

Wishing you a safe and blessed New Year!

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